Hollywood Scandals and Celebrity Gossip

Dear Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt, I regret to inform you that your dopey mugs will no longer be featured on The Superficial. After conducting a thoroughly scientific survey where I let people call you assholes, it's been almost unanimously determined our readers prefer the STD Tower of Lank above over you two. Let me repeat that: PEOPLE WOULD RATHER READ ABOUT PARIS HILTON THAN LOOK AT YOUR FACES. Frankly, I don't even know how someone accomplishes such a feat, but you two pulled off in spades. However, to show that I'm not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site: 1. Heidi wears a bikini. 2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally. I hope at this time you two will respect that democracy has triumphed here today, and I wish you absolutely zero success in your future endeavors. In fact, I started going to church just so I could pray Heidi gets pregnant. Sincerely, The Superficial Writer. P.S. Paris, if you're reading this, I just FEDEX'd you a steak. EAT IT. EDIT: This is the real deal, folks. Let it never be said I'm not a good and righteous ruler of the Interwebs.

Hugh Hefner has already found replacements for Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson. His two new ladies are twin sisters Karissa and Kristina Shannon (pictured on each side of Hugh.) But it turns out these two have a history of beating the living crap out of people and are BOTH on probation for a bar brawl in January, according to E! News:

The sisters were arrested in the early morning hours of Jan. 10 and booked on suspicion of felony aggravated battery, per arrest reports obtained by E! News. They were released from custody after posting $10,000 bonds and were later given probation and ordered to pay restitution for the incident, the details of which have not been determined just yet.
Prior to that run-in with the law, Karissa Shannon was arrested on suspicion of misdemeanor battery last November.

Well, at least they're not dating a feeble old man with tons of cash laying around. Wait...

This one's for you, ladies (and The Geekologie Writer): Zac Efron of High School Musical fame is eyeing up the controversial role in Equus that's currently played by Harry Potter himself Daniel Radcliffe. Daniel was looking to shed his child star image and took the part which requires a full-frontal nude scene with a horse. Now Zac is looking to get in on the wang-dangling action. The Sun reports:

Zac let slip at the London premiere of High School Musical 3, saying: "You know that Daniel Radcliffe role on Broadway, well it's been mentioned.”
He is clearly hoping to shed his wholesome image, having just finished shooting period drama Me and Orson Welles alongside CLAIRE DANES.
He said: ''I would love to just sit down and talk with LEONARDO DICAPRIO and JOHNNY DEPP and pick their brains about their early careers. They do it because they love it, not because they enjoy being famous. You have to have good foresight and be really careful. If you don't adapt and learn at a very young age, you can really mess up."

Hey, if flashing your penis to a room full of people is acting, then call me Leonard Fucking Nimoy. Unless the room is air-conditioned, then call me Tiny Kevin Connolly. Ha ha! I can kick this kid all day. He's like a hackey sack!

Swedish pop star Robyn was excited to open a handful of European shows for Madonna's "Sticky & Sweet" tour until she found out the Mummy has strict rules, according to Page Six:

Robyn told her hometown Swedish paper that she and her crew were told "not to approach Madonna, not to speak to Madonna and, above all, no pictures . . . I hadn't expected any glamour, but it's strange that they assume that the first thing you're gonna do is run after Madonna and ask for an autograph. My worst nightmare would be to turn into Madonna.

Robyn, it's everybody's worst nightmare to turn into Madonna - including Madonna. Seriously. I heard she looks at herself each morning in the mirror and says "Dammit, Madonna. Why did you turn into Madonna?" Then she eats a baby from a small African village and does Pilates. True story.

These are shots of supermodel Gisele Bundchen filming a music video for Black Cowboy yesterday. Kevin Connolly from Entourage directed the shoot which took place on Melrose Ave., and I gotta say, I have my concerns. I'm no expert, but this thing seems to be missing several key components for a successful music video: Nudity, robots and Slash playing guitar while driving a tank full of strippers. I mean, sure, you can make a video without these things, but you can also make beer without alcohol. Just because you can doesn't mean you should - and that's one to grow on.* *Except for you, Kevin Connolly. You had your chance.

You probably haven't been able to take a leak in the past 24 hours without hearing about Brad Pitt taking a photo of Angelina Jolie breastfeeding that would appear in W Magazine. Well, here it is. For those of you who thought it would be hot, two things: 1. It's for the cover of a national magazine so the chances of seeing a nipple were zero. (Though I could understand an expectation of side-boob.) 2. Breastfeeding involves babies, Darth Pervert. All that aside, what I found interesting was during the interview Angelina admitted Brad encouraged her to get pregnant when she was content with just adopting. Smooth:

"I think one of the life changing things that he did, one of many, is that I was absolutely never going to get pregnant. I never felt that it was the right thing to do. Now I wouldn't trade that experience for the world. It taught me a lot about life, just the process of it, and now we have three other beautiful children that wouldn't otherwise be here."

Wow. So Brad Pitt gets to have sex with one of the hottest women on the planet and what does he do? Turn hers vagina into a gaping baby portal. Jesus. That's like finally getting a Playstation 3 then shoving a watermelon through it. (I should write analogies for a living.)