Hollywood Scandals and Celebrity Gossip

These are the final round of shots from Victoria’s Secret model Karolina Kurkova’s three-day photo shoot in St. Barts. I bet if you removed her panties an angel would fly out of her vagina. Of course, I’d shoot the angel mid-flight with my laser wang and watch it fall into the ocean. Sometimes I like to send God a message that I don’t appreciate winged creatures interrupting my sexual conquests. Like the time a dragon cock-blocked me with Jessica Simpson. I chopped off its head with a broken whiskey bottle and breathed fire down its neck. True story.

Original post by Eddie

Jessica Simpson co-hosted The View yesterday but didn’t really talk much when it came to current events. She plugged her new fashion line then resorted to her trademark blank stare for the rest of the show, according to Page Six:

“She was never intended to be on the show as a moderator,” noted an insider who alerted Page Six to the episode. “It was all a big plug for her label - Jessica barely even talked to the guests.”

I think Jessica Simpson should’ve been allowed to talk to the guests. You know, just to see her head explode when one of them tried to explain what a newspaper is. “So, what do you mean?” she’d ask. “You, what’s the word, read? You ‘read’ the words and it puts ‘facts’ in your head about what’s happening in, what was it, the world? I don’t feel so good.” KERPLOW! If that ever happens, I hope her breasts survive. That way, scientists can freeze them and attach them to my cyborg bride when I finally decide to settle down at the age of 80. I figure by then I’ll be senile enough to think marriage is cool. But only to a robot-woman with awesome knockers and, more importantly, an “Off” switch.

Original post by Eddie

Jessica Simpson attended the 11th Annual Ace Awards last night in New York City and nearly took a spill when her heel became stuck. Fortunately she gained her balance and made some hilarious faces in the process. Knowing from numerous experiences how to recover from an embarrassing situation, Jessica Simpson went inside and demonstrated how awesome her rack is by turning sideways for photographers. Nice save. Seriously, I already forgot what I was just talking about. Also it appears I forgot to wear pants this morning. That’s odd. Could’ve sworn I had them on in the car…

Original post by Eddie

Kelly Brook launched “Kelly Brook Lingerie for New Look” in London today. Jessica Simpson could learn a thing or two here. She had the first step right, she showed off the big guns. I’ll give her that. But her British counterpart Kelly Brook went the extra mile and brought in some lingerie models. That’s how you launch something. I hope you’re taking notes, Jessica. No, you’re not. You’re eating the pen. That’s a start, I suppose. Just don’t swallow the ink agai– ah, shit. Hello, poison control? Yeah, the Simpson place. Ha ha, you know us. Anyway, just come right in. I believe we gave you guys a key when you were here this morning. No, no. The second time. Right, the swallowed battery.

Original post by Eddie

Jessica Simpson posed for the cameras as she introduced her new clothing line at Macy’s Herald Square in New York City. So does the entire line consist of a pink set of heels and a black leather purse? Because, honestly, I’m impressed. When I heard Jessica Simpson had a clothing line I expected it to be at best a pair of Play-Doh earrings. And, maybe, a beach towel covered in spaghetti sauce. You know, if she really put her mind to it and dared to dream and stuff.

Original post by Eddie

A spy for Star magazine spotted Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson out together over the weekend. The two met on the set of a Willie Nelson video a few weeks ago and seem to be hitting it off, according to NY Daily News:

The two dined Sunday at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica before retiring to his Malibu home.
“He couldn’t keep his hands off her,” a witness tells the mag.

Don’t you dare break his heart, Jessica. That man’s been through a lot. What he needs right now is someone to make him appreciate the good things in life. Why, yes, your breasts would be one of those good things. I mean, I wasn’t going to bring them up unless you did. Your dad does it all the time? Ha, that is funny. You are funny. Say, you want to get a drink? Oh, don’t worry about Owen. He’ll be fine. He does great with rejection.

Original post by Eddie