In the most disturbing merchandising move ever, Pipedream Products (Link is totally NSFW!) released these celebrity blow-up dolls which feature plastic versions of Eva Longoria, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Alba and, oddly, Sarah Jessica Parker. Since I’m a sad little clown, I did get a laugh out of the text for Sarah Jessica. Though I was disappointed to see it didn’t include a horse face. You know, for authenticity.

NOTE: These pics are kind of NSFW since they give brief descriptions of, well, certain orifices (a.k.a. the butt).

Original post by The Superficial – Because You’re Ugly

John Mayer left a cryptic message on his blog the other day that may or may not be directed to an ex-lover. Us Magazine is saying it might be Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, Jennifer Love Hewitt or Cameron Diaz. That’s four more women than I would’ve suggested would still be hung up on John Mayer. Here’s what it said:

Dear Ex Lover,
Perhaps you didn’t understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I’ll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore. I don’t know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I’m done trying.
I hope this is enough closure for you.
Goodbye.

P.S. If you need me, you know how to find me.

Here’s my list of suspects of who John Mayer is writing to:

1. No one.
2. Nobody.
3. Imaginary Girl.
4. Tyra Banks.

I don’t want to say my list is better, but between Us Magazine and myself, only one of us thinks The Hills is real. So who you going to trust? That’s right. Me: Captain Credibility. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go hot-tubbing on the moon with every single Victoria’s Secret Angels, Olivia Munn from G4 and Disney’s The Little Mermaid.

Original post by The Superficial – Because You’re Ugly

Jessica Simpson is set to perform for the troops in Kuwait on March 10. She’s taking a break from her country album to make the trip according to the following message on her fansite:

“Hey ya’ll. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know that I am hard at work on my country record, and I can’t wait to share it will all of you. I am heading to Kuwait to do a show for the troops, then back in the studio. I love you all and am so blessed by the support and love you show me everyday!! xoxo jess”

While I’m happy to see Jessica Simpson doing something nice for our men and women in uniform, I hope to God she gets topless because otherwise that’s just a slap in the face to these brave individuals. I mean, they’re out there on the front lines catching shrapnel in the anus and, if that happened to me, I’d feel entitled to some boob. If, however, she plans to perform fully clothed, I just have one question for Jessica Simpson: Why do you hate America so much?

Original post by The Superficial – Because You’re Ugly

Nick Lachey and his girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo make their living by simply showing up at places. They get paid to visit tropical resorts that need publicity or do photo shoots at department stores. Nick just has to stand around for a couple hours and take pictures. Easy stuff, right? Apparently not for Nick Lachey. Page Six reports:

According to a source at JC Penney’s “American Living” launch at Skylight on Hudson Street, “Nick was complaining the whole time he was there. He started whining, ‘When can I get out of here?’ and refusing to take photos. That’s what he was paid to show up for.”

Jesus. Nick Lachey’s life really is sheer torture. I mean, the dude gets handed bags full of dough but he has to smile for pictures. I had no idea such inhumane practices go on in this country. But, on top of that, he has to go home and bang Vanessa Minnillo. I don’t know how he does it day after day. Gandhi had it easier than this. Actually, I’m serious about that. Gandhi was never forced to have a conversation with Jessica Simpson. If he did, he’d probably have thrown himself underneath an elephant.

Original post by The Superficial – Because You’re Ugly

Jessica Simpson had a career slump in 2005 so she starred in an exercise video for Speedfit. She signed a multimillion-dollar contract, but decided at the last minute to scrap the project. She prevented the tape from being released by not giving final approval. The owner of Speedfit is now suing Jessica’s pants off. Page Six reports:

Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Simpson last year for $10 million – and since she’s refused to settle, Astilean’s now suing her manager dad, Joe, as well. Astilean said, “They are hurting millions of fat people in America.”

Okay, maybe that’s a bit over the top. I doubt there’s million of fat people sitting around waiting for Jessica Simpson to cure them of morbid obesity. So nobody’s hurting. Unless Jessica’s going into their homes and knocking buckets of fried chicken out of their hands. She already tried that once at Britney’s place and almost lost an arm. Thank God for skin grafts.

Original post by The Superficial – Because You’re Ugly

Jessica Simpson’s attorneys are going after OK! Magazine. The latest issue claims Tony Romo kicked Jessica to the curb after losing the playoffs. The article also says Ashlee Simpson is trying to distance herself from Jessica. Both of these claims are false, according to TMZ:

Simpson’s lawyers have sent a letter to OK!’s Editor-in-Chief, Sarah Ivens, claiming OK!’s article is bogus, adding that Jess and Tony are still together and that Ashlee and Jessica remain close. The attorneys say the article reflects a “smear campaign” and has subjected Simpson to “public contempt, ridicule, aversion or disgrace.”
The lawyers want OK! to “immediately publish a prominent and unambiguous” retraction.

I’m suing OK! Magazine too. I thought Jessica Simpson was single and mine for the taking. I even bought a bunch of Mexican Viagra and the always romantic box of wine. Of course, I kind of drank all the wine last night then took the Viagra. I’ve been knocking stuff off my co-workers’ desks all morning. Hey, Larry, you filing those papers? *swings around* Ha ha, not anymore! I should get a raise for this.

Original post by Eddie

Tony Romo apparently believes the rumors that Jessica Simpson distracted him and decided the two should “just be friends,” according to NY Daily News:

A few days after the Giants bounced the Cowboys from the playoffs, Romo called the “Dukes of Hazzard” star to tell her their romance was over.
“He said he thought it was better if they went back to being friends,” a pal of hers said.

Poor Jessica Simpson. I guess she’s on the rebound and is probably through with professional athletes. Well, she’s in luck. I’m also single and don’t professionally play any sports. Though I am a champion at Nude Photo Hunt at the bar. And by champion I mean I drunkenly make out with the machine until the bouncer hits me with a cue stick. It’s sort of my calling in life and, as long as Jessica respects that, I can see a future for us.

Original post by Eddie

Keeping with the latest trend of celebrities blogging and/or procreating, John Mayer went the blogging route (intercourse wasn’t even an option) and defended Jessica Simpson who’s not a favorite in Dallas right now after the Cowboys lost the playoffs:

Dear Dallas and Surrounding Areas,

This isn’t a sports blog, and it isn’t a publicity stunt. (but have at me if it feels right.)
This is about doing what I think is right as a person, in this case speaking my mind.
I have never known anyone to have more pride in their home state and their upbringing in it than Jessica Simpson has in Texas. I don’t really follow sports, but I have played some of my biggest and best concerts in your state, and having witnessed how dynamic the spirit there is, I’m betting emotions are running high right about now.
All witty barbs, blogs, and fashion policing aside, that girl loves Texas more than you know. It’s one of her most defining traits as a person. So please don’t try and take that away from her. (You probably wouldn’t be able to, but it’s less work for all involved.)
I just thought it would mean something coming from the guy who has the absolute least to gain from this. And if I’m out of line in having written it, too bad. I can spare a Wednesday’s worth of bad press if it means sticking up for a good soul.

JM

Actually John Mayer has everything to gain. The guy was caught hitting on Ricki Lake who then publicly dissed his game with the ladies. So, really, John Mayer has nowhere to go but up. I heard a girl said “Hi” to him on the street the other day. John Mayer ran home with tears of joys in his eyes and called his sister. When he told her the good news, she said, “Johnny, I know. I was the one who said ‘Hi’ remember? You spent 30 minutes yelling at me to stop covering my face with a stray cat. Wait, how’d you get this number?”

Original post by Eddie

When Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowboys lost on Sunday, fans blamed Tony’s trip to Mexico with girlfriend Jessica Simpson. Apparently nobody would’ve known about the trip, but somebody tipped off photographers who scored shots of Tony poolside in Cabo with Jessica. Her dad Joe Simpson might be the one to blame, according to NY Daily News:

“Joe is well-known for his deals with the paparazzi, where the family gets a cut from the sales of the photographs,” says an insider.

That Joe Simpson cracks me up. But, seriously, what did you do with the bikini pics of Jessica in Cabo, Joe? I know you have them. They belong in a museum. What do you mean my bedroom’s not a museum? I wrote “Hall of Boobies” on the wall in permanent marker. Permanent, Joe. Yeah, I thought you’d see things my way. Is that a jetpack? Wait, NO! Crafty sonofa- I’ll get you next time, Simpson. Next time.

Original post by Eddie

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is catching a lot of heat for his trip to Mexico with Jessica Simpson. The Cowboys lost to the New York Giants in the division playoffs and fans are blaming Tony’s bye-week get-away, according to the Dallas Morning News:

A lot of people thought Tony Romo made a mistake by taking off for Mexico with Jessica Simpson on the club’s off weekend. He had a chance to prove them wrong by delivering a typical Pro Bowl Romo performance Sunday.
It didn’t happen.

I’m sure you can probably get away with anything right now in Dallas by blaming Jessica Simpson. You could rob a bank and when the cops catch you outside you just sort of shrug and say “Jessica Simpson made me do it.” Then everybody has a big laugh and some of the SWAT team guys ask if you want to go grab a beer. “Not so fast,” says the mayor. “First, this man- no, hero deserves the keys to the cities.”

Original post by Eddie