According to The Superficial, having kids is big business in Hollywood these days. Jennifer Lopez nabbed $6 million for exclusive photos of her twin spawns of Skeletor. Barry Levine of the National Enquirer is telling Page Six that Angelina Jolie could score as high as 10 million smackers for pictures of her baby which looks like it’s ready to Tomb Raider it’s way out:

“It’s become big business now,” Levine said. “It’s outrageous, they’ve gotten very sophisticated. The rights are bought up now even before the celeb enters the hospital. They hire extra security so it’s impossible to obtain a photo illegally.”
Levine said stars now realize that having a child is “akin to getting a role in a movie.” And the glossies don’t mind paying because they recoup the money over time with magazine sales, Web hits, and by re-selling the photos overseas.

Any lady celebs out there looking to make a quick buck, I’ve got a wiener. I’m just saying.

UPDATE: Major backfire. Within five minutes Rosie O’Donnell and Britney Spears showed up in my front yard and started duking it out. It’s sort of like that scene in King Kong when Kong fights the T-Rex. Except Rosie is way more hairy, Britney isn’t a sexy thunder lizard and, when it’s all over, I’ll be crying as my pelvis gets turned into a fine powder. Mommy!

Photos: Flynet

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie were supposed to have a little sit down to ease the tension between the two and bring some closure to the fact that Brad ditched Jen to repopulate the planet with Angelina. The sit down was scheduled before the Night Before party in Beverly Hills on Saturday, but Angie bailed at the last minute. Author Robert Greene of “The 48 Laws of Power” gives Us Weekly his analysis:

“If Angelina is trying to get under Jen’s skin – push her buttons – this is a clever way to do it,” Greene adds.
“Imagine you’re in Jen’s shoes,” he says. “You’re worried about Angelina showing up. And she never does. It’s infuriating. If intentional, it’s definitely a power move.”

Maybe Angelina Jolie, being the humanitarian that she is, didn’t want to rub in the fact that she has a fully function reproductive system and Jennifer Aniston will die barren and alone. I mean, that sounds considerate. Or Angelina could just be a total bitch and wanted to screw with Jen’s head. Then she went home and wrote about her in her slambook while Brad braided her hair. Yeah, all that stuff.

Original post by The Superficial – Because You’re Ugly

Alright, let’s get into the insanity that was this weekend. Before we jump into the Oscar aftermath, the Independent Spirit Awards also went down. They’re kind of like the Oscars but everyone stands around talking about their odorless bowel movements. I’m telling you, it’s a miracle of science. Anyway, Angelina Jolie picked the Spirit Awards as the venue to show off her protruding stomach. I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure that’s a baby in there. By my calculations there’ll be roughly two Pitt-Jolies to every one Normie (that’s us) by 2030. As long as the females look like Angelina, I embrace this future. I will also simultaneously unembrace pants.

Original post by The Superficial – Because You’re Ugly

Us Weekly is claiming to have a source close to Angelina Jolie that says she is definitely pregnant. Word is Angelina is going to auction off confirmation of the news and donate the proceeds to charity:

One SAG attendee tells Us in its latest issue, on newsstands now, “It was so obvious she was pregnant. You could clearly see the bump’s outline.”

OK! Magazine is also reporting the bun’s in the oven. But enough about that. Let’s get down to brass tacks. I bid $1 billion* for the exclusive confirmation interview. For the record, I like to prepare a meal for all my interviewees. Hopefully Angelina likes Easy Mac out of a Tupperware dish. Also, I cook in the nude. That’s the naked nude, ladies.

*To be paid in $1 yearly installments. Dollar may be substituted for gum wrapper at any time. Gum not included.

Original post by Eddie

Angelina Jolie attended the 14th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards yesterday and her dress has stoked the rumor flames that she’s pregnant again. This poor woman can’t catch a break. So Angelina and Brad Pitt have a hundred kids (scientific estimate). That doesn’t mean she’s perpetually knocked up. She can’t even order a cheeseburger without someone saying “Angelina Jolie eats for two.” Can’t we just respect her as a human being by ogling her awesome rack? Hey, wait, Brad Pitt’s in these pictures, too. Get out. Was he there the whole time?

Original post by Eddie

Jonathan Rhys Meyers attended the premiere of August Rush last night in New York. Way to stare directly into the camera. Makes me believe you’re not completely tripped out of your mind right now. Oh, hey, what’s that look? You’re a wizard now? And you’re looking into my soul? That is some freaky shit. Listen, there’s someone I want you to meet. His name is James Haven. Yeah, Angelina Jolie’s brother. I want to see what happens when you two occupy the same space. Maybe you’ll merge into one, or, God willing, explode.

Original post by Eddie

Angelina Jolie’s character in Beowulf apparently shows a little more skin than the actress expected. She didn’t expect to “come out as much” and was a “little shy” after seeing the final product, according to Fox News:

“I didn’t expect it to feel as real and so, especially because of the type of character I play, it was funny at first and then there were certain moments where I felt actually shy and called home and just explained the kind of fun movie I had done that was digital animation was, in fact, a little different than I think they were expecting.

While millions of fanboys are drooling over the chance to see a nude CGI Angelina Jolie, who got totally duped by Robert Zemeckis (nice one!), they are not alone. John Malkovich is stoked as well:

“It’s PG-13, so at least I’m told there are things and adult themes on the Internet that may push the envelope quite a bit further than a PG-13, but we’ll see; I haven’t seen it yet,” he told FOX at Monday’s star-studded premiere. “Of course, I’m excited to see Angelina on-screen … she’s …she’s talented.”

Way to not give off a creepy vibe, John Malkovich. There’s nothing your female costars love more than when you talk in freaking ellipsis while suggesting you want to see their… their… “talents.” No, no, that’s not creepy. Women love it. Oh, hey, you getting naked in this movie? Can’t wait to see it. With my eyes. Then remember it – forever. Yeah, chicks dig that. No, really. When they pepper spray you in the mouth, that’s their way of saying “Thanks.” Ha ha, dames. Such kidders.

Original post by Eddie

Angelina Jolie’s brother James Haven attended the premiere of Beowulf last night in Los Angeles. Honest to God, they should’ve gotten this guy to play the Joker because he has the freakiest goddamn face I have ever seen. Can you imagine what it’s like for Brad Pitt when this dude comes over for dinner?

[Scene: The Pitt-Jolie dining room table. Angelina is tending to the children, while Brad and James sit and eat.]

James: Brad, I bet your soul tastes delicious.

Brad: Huh? What did you just say?

James: Oh, nothing. Just the peas are delicious. Like your soul.

Brad: Did you just, no, did you just say my soul is delicious?

James: Angie, dear, this dinner is simply wonderful. Almost as good as that time we made love in a canoe.

Brad: Gets up. You motherfu–

James: Jumps to his feet. Oh, Lord, yes! Pretend I’m Edward Norton in Fight Club and I just bought a tea cozy from Ikea! Oooh, I’m a naughty, naughty consumer of goods. Punish me before I get a Discover card!

Brad: Shakes his head. Why do I agree to these dinners? The sex isn’t that good.

James: Maybe it’d be if you were related! Zing! God, aren’t I to die for? No, but, seriously, Brad let’s be friends. Now, take off your pants and give me a hug.

Original post by Eddie

Sometimes it’s nice to hear about celebrities doing something awesome. It gets kind of tiring hearing about the custody battles, drug addictions and whatnot. So here’s Angelina Jolie doing what I can only describe as some sort of miracle. Page Six reports:

Her emaciated stomach nearly ruined In Touch’s plans for this week’s cover: “Is Angelina Jolie pregnant?” To protect its story, the glossy bought exclusive rights to the shots of her taut torso “so no other weeklies could run them,” said an insider. In Touch claims Jolie gained 10 pounds in her chest, but conveniently cropped the photo above her flat stomach. “When Angelina showed up looking so skinny, they bought the photos,” our source said. The mag says, “The most striking area of Angelina’s weight gain is in her chest.”

How in the hell do you gain 10 pounds in your chest? That’s incredible. Seriously, Wonder Woman couldn’t even do that. No matter how many times I told her it would help me pay attention to her more. What? She tied me up with her Golden Lasso! That thing makes you tell the truth and, well, I like boobs. When a magical rope controls my speech, don’t be surprised if I say, “Hey, those could be a bigger.” That’s just cause and effect, baby.

Original post by Jagger

Angelina Jolie attended a conference on global education at the Clinton Global Initiative Annual Meeting. I don’t even know what any of those words mean. I do know that Bill Clinton probably asked Angelina to provide some humanitarian relief – in his pants. That guy is smooth. But I’m smoother. I would’ve talked Angelina into removing the trade embargo between my man parts and her refugee camp. Get it? *nudge nudge* It’s political, see? Get it? Now that’s how you romance, Clinton. I hope you took notes.

Original post by Jagger