Hollywood Scandals and Celebrity Gossip

Let me start by saying there are several things I would feasibly believe Nicole Richie possesses: Pirate ship. Unicorn. One Ring to rule them all. Jesus' body. But an ass? C'mon, there's no way these aren't Photoshopped. And, seriously, whoever did this, Optimus Prime's face would've looked more realistic back there. You know, provided he was winking and smoking a cigar like Groucho Marx. I'm a helper :)

Good news, everybody! Despite what the media has been reporting (what with its anti-single-supermodels agenda), Miranda Kerr is not—repeat, not—marrying Orlando Bloom. People reports:

A rep for Bloom's girlfriend Miranda Kerr is knocking down a report in the Australian media Sunday that the Pirates of the Caribbean star and the model are engaged.
"The story ... is completely false and misleading," the rep says. "Miranda herself has clearly stated she is not engaged. There is nothing else to be said."
But while they're not making marriage plans at present, Bloom, 31, and Kerr, 25, are still very much a couple, and Kerry recently spoke about someday settling down with a special someone and having kids.

Sounds like Orlando Bloom got punked pretty hard there. You just know that Miranda probably responded to his 1,000th whiny request to marry him with a, "Hmmm...maybe," then after he bragged to all his buddies and about it and leaked it to the press, she sent her publicist out there to shoot him down. She probably plays all sorts of similar pranks on him, like "Got your nose" and "Hid your medication." She just seems cool like that.

Seen here at Heathrow Airport this morning, Britney Spears' European Tour (a.k.a. The Dumb Sauce Parade) came to an end last night after she performed on Britain's X-Factor then celebrated her birthday at G-A-Y nightclub. While the X-Factor performance was basically a sloppy repeat of the Bambi Awards, at least someone had the foresight to not let her dress like Madonna again. Although in Britney's defense, her ass looked crazy good. And not just because she's crazy, but because I'd seriously consider using it as a decorative end table. Then again, I'm the hopeless romantic type. *sigh* Videos after the jump.

Nancy Jarecki is an entrepreneur who sells dye for "hair down there." While her product line Betty Beauty is taking off, Nancy needs to learn rule number one in the cutthroat pube dye business: Never out your celebrity clients. Page Six reports:

It's not just women who are interested in matching the carpet to the drapes: Jarecki says so many men have bought the product that she plans to launch a "Betty for Men" line early next year. "I guess man-scaping for guys is really big these days," she says, adding that she recently sent the entire assortment of colors to noted waxing enthusiast Diddy and got back a thank-you note from his assistant.
A Betty spokesperson adds that "Law & Order" brunette Mariska Hargitay, country singer Vince Gill, Jack Black and Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor also use the product.

For the record, I fancy myself a man-scaping enthusiast as well. Which is why my dude shrub comes complete with a gazebo, lawn gnome and barbecue pit. Also, cookout next Friday. BYOB. (There will be badminton.)

New York Giants Super Bowl star Plaxico Burress is having an awesome season. The controversial receiver accidentally shot himself in the leg early Saturday morning after a concealed gun slipped out of his waistband at a Manhattan club, according to NY Daily News:

Burress, 31, who was sporting flashy jewelry and carrying loads of cash, told club management he needed the gun to protect himself, sources said.
The mercurial Giant was waved inside the crowded Latin-themed club on Lexington Ave. about midnight. He downed several drinks, making already jittery security guards more nervous about his weapon.
As Burress was being led into a VIP area, with a drink in his hand, the gun slipped down his pants leg. He reached for the weapon, but fumbled it and it went off, sources said. The bullet tore through Burress' already injured right thigh, police said.
"[The bullet] went in and out. No bones," Chief Michael Collins, a police spokesman, said.

Of course, discharging a loaded handgun in a club might, I dunno, get you fucking arrested. So with some quick thinking, Plaxico employed the help of Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce who stashed the gun in Jersey. Just like that episode of The Sopranos where Tony gets the paper in his boxers:

Panicking, Burress told his teammate not to call 911 for an ambulance, sources said.
Pierce helped the bloodied receiver out of the club before taking off with the gun and stashing it somewhere in New Jersey, sources said.
Burress was afraid to go to the hospital, but two hours after the shooting, at 2 a.m., his wife, Tiffany, and a friend escorted him to New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill Cornell. He was treated and released at about 12:45 p.m., sources said.
But a hospital spokeswoman denied that Burress was ever there.
Cops only learned about the incident after Giants employees quietly reached out to the NYPD to report it, sources said.

Damn! Ratted out by your own team? That's gotta sting. Probably not as much a bullet to your already-injured leg, but Jesus. Anyway, let this be a lesson to the kids out there: Always use a holster. And that's one to grow on...

Miss me? Here's Britney Spears performing "Womanizer" at the 2008 Bambi Awards in Germany. It's sort of trippy seeing a bunch of fancy Germans in tuxes talk about Britney, only to have her show up on stage and once again have the timing of a three-toed sloth. Don't get me wrong; she looks way better than last year's VMA debacle, but Jesus, I employ more dance rhythm making toast. (Read: I do jazz hands after buttering the bread. "Butter. Kazaam!") EDIT: Added pics of Madotney. Video after the jump.