Hollywood Scandals and Celebrity Gossip

I wasn't going to post these to save you from, well, having to look at them, but here's Britney Spears showing off her panties in Los Angeles over the weekend. Maybe 'showing off' isn't the right choice of words here, since the photographers are basically sticking their hands up her skirt. I'm not sure why any reasonable human being would attempt to zoom in on Britney Spears' butthole like that, but this is the paparazzi we're talking about. I guess we should just be thankful they stopped there. Also, what the hell is going on with the texture of Britney Spears' private area? It looks like somebody decided to replace her vagina with a dirty old man's armpit. NOTE: Pics might be NSFW, depending on how you classify the horrible-looking area around Britney Spears' taint.

I really don't know what to say about these pics of porn star Bridget the Midget's flashing a boob this weekend. Mostly because I'm disappointed a unicorn didn't fly out of her cleavage like these doodles I made on my Trapper Keeper. Although, technically, I believe Bridget's obligated to at least shoot gold coins out of her nipple, if my interpretation of midget law isn't mistaken. Which it could be because they write so. Damn. Small. NOTE: Pics link to NSFW version including one of Bridget's tattoo of a dollar bill that's cleverly replaced George Washington with, well, here's a hint: that's not a flower.

Nereida Gallardo continues her vacation in Italy with soccer star boyfriend Cristiano Ronaldo. At some angles, Nereida looks absolutely banging. While in others, Holy crap, cellulite. But I'm willing to look past all that because I'm a sensitive guy who drinks a lot and had sex with a a toaster last night. I've got nowhere to go but up. (Provided the coffeepot stops giving me "the eye.") That said; Nereida, quit smoking and hit the treadmill. Otherwise you've got a future ahead of you filled with sarongs and choreographed butt-flexing like someone I know. Let's just say her name rhymes with "Kim Kardashian" and leave it at that.

Heidi Montag is a devout Christian and wish people knew more about her faith. But you don't hear much of that because she's too busy posing in pictures that could only be used as Aryan greeting cards. But in between displaying her funbags, Heidi has a deep spiritual side that she shared with USA Today. Let's take a look at Heidi's ability to form thoughts which will make you cringe because of the fact her uterus is fertile and capable of reproduction: On how she's just like Jesus but with implants: "There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn't matter to me." On her and Spencer's faith and surprising ability to read: Montag identifies herself as "kind of non-denominational Baptist" and hopes to release a Christian album one day. Both she and Pratt read the Bible conscientiously. "I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God." On traveling to Africa - Paris Hilton style: This August, she and Pratt are headed to Africa to "feed children and help build things." Cameras will capture their trek, but not for The Hills. Heidi also plans on releasing a Christian music album and you know what? I couldn't think of a better market for her. SNAP! Did I just burn religion and Heidi in one sentence? I think I did. Who's Jesus now? Eh? If you'll excuse me, I need to go turn the water cooler into wine. UPDATE: Didn't work so I just poured vodka in. That's in The Bible too.

Jessica Simpson's publicist probably framed the "Real Girls Love Meat" shirt because it is really pissing people off. Nobody important, of course, just PETA and now Pamela Anderson. She decided to use some choice words this weekend to describe Jessica on an Australian radio show. The Sun reports:

"I think she is a bitch and whore. Actually, I don't know if she was talking about food or men."

Knowing Jessica Simpson she was probably talking about Hot Wheels. Maybe these two should put aside their differences, and, I'm just spitballing ideas here, press their bare breasts together. You know, for the children - and world peace. Yeah, whatever I just said: Jujubes. They should really let me work at the U.N. I've got answers to stuff.

Anne Hathaway's break-up with Raffaello Follieri may have been timed a little too conveniently. A friend of the Italian con-man believes Anne cooperated with the Feds in helping them arrest Raffaello, according to NY Daily News:

"It makes sense," the friend said. "She's referred to as his former girlfriend in the indictment even though her spokesman never confirmed they broke up."
Hathaway, who is not identified by name in the criminal complaint, split with Follieri shortly before his arrest last week. He is charged with posing as an agent of the Vatican to fleece investors out of millions.
"I think that in return for her cooperation, the feds held off on arresting Follieri until she was out of the country," the friend said.

I guess Anne Hathaway started to realize something was amiss when Raffaello suggested they add role-playing to their routine. He would pretend he was a priest while conducting real estate transactions and, she'd pretend she didn't want to sleep with the fishes if she ever opened her mouth. It was exciting at first, but Anne wanted to switch things up a bit. She'd be a naughty meter maid, and he'd be Zach Braff's Italian brother: Denzel Washington.